She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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