this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize