Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So much rum. So many feels.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
