Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
