Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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