Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
People in love make me want to vomit
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
