alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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