Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
