Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Two words: nipple clamps
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