I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
