My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
