What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
