Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
