i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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