it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
