you're like a bully in the Christmas story
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
