sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize