I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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