Your face is a jimmy john
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
