Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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