On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
