You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
