ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize