splinters make it hard to masturbate
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
