I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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