my phone needs a breathalizer
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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