New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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