my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Randomize
