she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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