Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
40s are totally the cure
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
