allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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