There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
