just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
