Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
