Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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