My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
