I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
