Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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