I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
