So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
