Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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