apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
