I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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