Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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