Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize