I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
