I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
