There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
high people should be assigned attendants
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
