He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
