I am in a vortex of obligation.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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