Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize