Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
