i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
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Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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