the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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