i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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