I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
