Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My ATM looks so different sober.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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