I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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