So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
