oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
