How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
