Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
