I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
