Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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